The concept of arranged marriages has changed. And, not just for men. As a woman, ideally, your life partner should be someone with whom you can share interests and who will encourage your independence. As with any relationship, friendship is the key. Good communication from the beginning will help ensure that yours is a lasting, loving partnership.
Let's take a look at how to go about looking for these characteristics in the context of an arranged marriage.
Arranged marriages are not like they were. It is now more like meeting someone through your family or like being set up for a blind date. Parents or friends introduce the couple and let them talk via phone or email, meet a couple of times, and then ask for a decision. If the couple says No, it's a No. However, when parents are involved, there will inevitably be some pressure as they can't help but give their opinion and advice.
These days, couples often initiate the dialogue themselves, through matrimonial sites and end up being the ones introducing each other to their parents. Call it an 'arranged introduction', as the choice is solely left to the couple.
Another difference is that it is no longer only the guy who decides first. Girls have an equal prerogative to do so. Also, as women are now more career-oriented and financially independent, they are usually not in a hurry.
The first thing to keep in mind is to make a list (at least mentally) of attributes you would want in your life partner, so you can focus better on your search. Depending upon your preferences, some factors that might be taken into consideration are -- job, salary, educational qualifications, appearance, caste, horoscope, values, habits (drinking, smoking, etc.), location, family background, social standing, etc.
It's best to spell out any preferences beforehand, so your parents can search accordingly and the list can be narrowed down. This way, you will save your parents' time as well.
Deciding to marry someone is one of the most important decisions of your life. If you are confused, unsure or awkward, don't fret -- so is the other person. Just a few things you can keep in mind when you meet your could-be significant other:
Dos: Wear something that is both flattering and comfortable. Try meeting away from relatives. Choose a neutral venue like a coffee shop. Pretend that you are on a blind date and try to enjoy yourself.
Don'ts: Don't approach the meeting with the mindset that you have to marry this person. Don't think you'll be sure to hate him either.
Before, during, and after
Before meeting, try getting in touch with the person over the phone or through e-mail to prepare you, to some extent, for what to expect. During the meeting, keep an open mindset. Relax and just be yourself. Don't hesitate to discuss important issues. Afterwards, think calmly and give yourself time to assess. Although this meeting may not indicate if this is 'the' person you should marry, it can certainly tell you whether you want to get to know the person better and take a step forward.
If, at any time during the meeting, you realise it won't work, keep your cool, be polite, and try to keep it as short as possible. Trusting your gut feeling is the most important -- if you feel something is not right, it probably is not.
It's perfectly okay to ask any questions you have in mind. But remember, timing is the key. For example, it can be outright insulting and offensive if the very first question is 'How much do you earn, both net and gross?'
Sometimes, information is not offered voluntarily and one hesitates to ask. But, if the answer to a question is important in taking matters further, there is no harm in asking. Maybe the person you ask will feel offended. But, when you are taking such an important decision, you have to take that risk. Isn't it better that they feel bad now, rather than you feeling worse later?
Although researching the boy's background might seem painstaking, it is very important.
The difficulty of researching goes up a notch when the boy is abroad, especially if you don't have any friends/relatives to help you out there. This was the case with one girl, who married an NRI in the US only to discover, when she got there, that he had a live-in American girlfriend.
Thus, it would be wise to make discreet inquiries outside with the help of relatives and friends, with respect to his job, family background, age, education, habits, financial condition, medical history, lifestyle, etc.
You can get an employer verification to find out if he is working there or not. Definitely check the visa status. You may also ask for a proof of employment letter, request a medical test, etc. Try calling discreetly at an odd hour to see who picks up the phone at night. You can hire a detective to do a background check). If you have friends and family abroad, ask them to meet him and find out more.
Additionally, communicate regularly through email, phone, chat, etc. to get a better idea about the person.
These days, it is not uncommon at all to have had a previous relationship. It depends on many factors like the type of relationship, duration, feelings, etc. As long as it is a thing of the past and he is now committed to his marriage.
However, finding out about a potential partner's previous sexual history is next to impossible. Asking such personal questions will seem too embarrassing. Arranged marriages involve the whole family and private information coming out in the open could have severe repercussions, so some may not openly disclose this aspect.
Both partners getting a blood test is absolutely a must. If the boy's side feels offended, help by telling them that you are convinced about getting it done yourself too. Actually, it is difficult for the girl or the girl's side to ask this, but every person going through an arranged marriage would have the courage to insist on such tests. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry. A blood test should be made compulsory for couples before marriage.
Finally, there should be mutual consent and understanding from both sides; only then can a marriage be sustained. It is important that you like your prospective partner enough to marry him. Good arranged marriages occur when the parents support and help their children find life partners.
Ashmitha Chakrabarthy
This Article is Published in
Arrow Magazine December 2007 Issue.
http://www.aagneyam.com/arrow
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